I am not quite sure where to start. So I apologize in advance if my thoughts seem jumbled.
Yesterday I had a routine visit with my OB. Things started out smoothly, but then it came time to check the baby's heartbeat. After just a couple seconds of silence my heart began to pound. Several more seconds elapsed and I was having a hard time breathing. I'm 18 weeks along it should not be that hard to find a baby's heartbeat. Soon tears started filling my eyes and my mind was racing.
Part of me, a small part, knew this was going to happen. Earlier in the week I stepped on our bathroom scale and noticed that I had dropped about 4 pounds. When I looked in the mirror my baby bump seemed to have shrunk. I also have not been hungry as frequently. This past week has been an emotional roller-coaster of worry, pain, and disbelief. I have spent so much time in prayer searching for peace. At first I wanted to pray that I would know the baby was alright, but I couldn't. I just prayed that no matter what happened that I would find peace.
After not being able to find the heartbeat on her own, my doctor sent me for an immediate sonogram. The technician didn't have to say anything. Looking at the screen not seeing any movement or heartbeat, I knew my baby boy was gone. He died 4 weeks ago at 14 weeks.
The pain, the emptiness, the devastation. I can't adequately express how I felt; how I feel. What I can tell you is how loved I feel by all those around me and by my Heavenly Father.
I don't understand why this has happened. I still have a hard time believing that it has, but I know that in time I will be okay.
8 comments:
I am so sorry for your loss Jenny. You and your family will be in my prayers.
dear sweet jenny and lucas, i love your amazzzing family. i am soooo glad you two have each other during this very crazy trial of faith and endurance. my prayers are yours, keep in mind how very possible it is that gramma and grandpa knight are hugging that little one whose time will come another day............
Love, aunt martha
Jenny, we love you! I wish I lived near and could give you a big hug. please know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. XOXO Teneill
Oh Jenny, I am so sorry for you loss and hope that you are able to find the peace and comfort needed to deal with something like this. Your family is so beautiful and incredible- and will be in my prayers, always. LOVE YOU!
My heart goes out to you Jenny.
Jumped on your blog from facebook so that I could tell you how very sorry I am for your loss. You are loved and my prayers are with you and Josef. My wish for you is that you'll have a "peace that passeth understanding" (Phillipians 4:7). Much love to you Jenny.
Meredith Smith
I hate that sinking feeling when you know as they move steps closer to the sonogram that you know it is no use. I wish there was a way to make it all better, I can tell you that it gets better with the passing of time. The first time we went to the temple after mine is where I had the peaceful confirmation that it all happens for a reason that we will know later on...then we had twins. Keep praying H.F. is the person to turn to. Just know there isn't anything more you could've done and his sweet spirit will be waiting to welcome you with open arms.
Jenny, you are in our prayers and thoughts. I am so sorry for your loss and know that Heavenly Father is aware of you and your family and your situation.
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